Totally Messed Chapter 3

Chapter 3
_______________________________________________________________________

What would happen if Saria owned a camper van?
Wonder no more! You will see over and over again how continuous errors in time and space mess up the storyline. …Badly…
______________________________________________________________________

Where we last left Link and Navi, they were fleeing into the Kokiri village. As it happened, they had just arrived at the entrance.

"What would Saria say if she found out we were going to save Princess Zelda's jewels?" Navi asked Link as they ran over to the bridge.

"Either she would one: think we had too much caffeine, or two: she and the other Kokiris would mob us," Link answered.

Navi cocked her head, "Mob you? Why on Hyrule would they mob you?"

Link took out Zelda's Letter from his pocket.

"Navi, I have personally met one of the most famous people throughout the land," Link waved the parchment around, "Not to mention, received her autograph—without even asking! Who wouldn't mob me?"

Navi paused, "…Oh alright, I guess that's somewhat logical."

The village was completely abandoned. The Kokiri girl on the roof of the local shop, the Kokiri guy who usually did backflips, the strange blonde Kokiri girl who stood on the pillar in the middle of the village—all of them, gone. Link, ready to assume the worst, wandered into the Great Deku Tree's meadow. There he stumbled across the strangest sight: all the Kokiri in the village had gathered in front of the withered tree. Each had a black article on their person. A blonde Kokiri stood before the group, speaking—from where he was standing, Link was unable to hear her. He wandered closer.

"What do you think they are doing?" Link asked.

"They must be having a funeral," Navi answered.

Link looked at Navi, "A what?"

"A funeral," Navi repeated, "It's an occasion in which people bury or cremate, that is burn, their departed loved ones. They can take up to—"

"B-Burn?" Link stopped dead in his tracks, "They're going to burn the Great Deku Tree?"

Navi snapped her attention to the funeral procession, "Oh crap…we still need that Spiritual Stone of the Forest! Hurry! We need to get it before they burn him!!"

"Right!" Link began to sprint, "Hey guys! STOP!"

The blonde Kokiri fell silent. A sea of heads turned to glare frigidly at Link. The blonde Kokiri strode stiffly up to Link. She looked annoyed.

"We need to stop this funeral!" Navi exclaimed.

"And why would we do THAT?" the blonde Kokiri put her hands on her hips.

"Ummm…" Navi bit her lip, "Link, would you care to explain?"

"Hey!" Link waved, "Uhhh, we, erm, kinda need to retrieve something from the Great Deku Tree's possessions…"

The blonde Kokiri glared at Link, "Then why interrupt us?!"

Navi flew over, "Look, Maria, you know as well as we do, that the Great Deku Tree, bless his soul, kept all of his valuables in his leaves! So all Link needs to do is climb up and get it!"

"Wait," Link paused, "I what?"

"What?! You want to raid the Great Deku Tree's corpse?! Of all the blasphemous things in this sorry excuse for a world, this has got to be the absolute worst! You can't possibly be serious! If the Great Mido knew—" Maria hollered, before breaking into incoherent evil muttering.

"Maria, it won't take all of five minutes," Navi huffed.

"Absolutely not!" Maria shouted.

"Pweeease…" Link looked at Maria with big, watered eyes.

Maria let out a large sigh, "Fine! Just make it snappy!"

"Thanks!" Link grinned.

Link approached the base of the Deku Tree, and stared up at the leaves. It looked like a looooonnnnggg climb. Link ignored the bitter mumbling behind him from the Kokiris, spat on the palm of his hands, grabbed onto some of the bark, and jumped up so that his feet up were parallel to the trunk. Link climbed higher. About mid-way up, his hand slipped. There was a subsequent thud.

"Aiiieeee! Zit!!" Link shouted upon impact, "Ouchie…"

Navi blinked, "Well, that was an odd outcry."

Maria let out a groan, "I've had it, Link! Just had it! Whenever you hop down from a pedestal, jump around, do summersaults, leap off of ledges, and pretty much anything you do, you always say the weirdest crap! Why in the Lost Woods do you say 'zit' whenever you fall down?!"

"Because it hurts…" Link whimpered feebly.

Finally, many failed attempts later, Link was able to climb up into the Deku Tree's leaves. The Kokiri watched in awkward silence and stared at Link through the branches. Link was reminded of a crowd of lifeless drones. Before long, Link spotted the Spiritual Stone. Link clambered over toward it. He reached out to grab it.

"Link! Will you hurry up?" Maria bellowed.

"Just wait," the tips of Link's fingers grazed the stone, "I think I got it—! AHHHHHH!"

Link lost his balance and came crashing down to the earth. His outcry of pain was louder than usual. Link lay curled up in a ball at the base of the trunk. There was a  "plink" sound as the Spiritual Stone came falling after him. It landed on Link's head. DUH DU DUH NUH NU, NUH NUH NUH NUUHH NUUHH NUH NUUHHHHH!!! Link received the Spiritual Stone of the Forest!!

Navi sighed, "Hurry it up, Link."

"We're trying to have a funeral here!" Maria snapped.

Link rose, "Man… Maria… You sound so much like Mido sometimes…"

"Well, of course!" Maria's fairy piped up, "She's become head Kokiri ever since he died!"

Navi flew over to Maria's fairy, "Yeah, but she could at least try to be nicer than him…"

Link paused, "Wait, he's dead?"

Navi looked at Link, and then at the glaring Kokiri.

"…Well!" Navi piped, "We'll have to be on our way now! Right Link?"

Link raised his eyebrow, "We do?"

Navi nudged him.

"Uh, yeah! We do," Link smiled, "We're going to see Saria, like you suggested."

"Right!" Navi chuckled nervously, "After this we need to get back to collecting more jewelry for Princess Zelda!"

The ground started shaking. Link looked over his shoulder and saw that all the Kokiri suddenly looked enthusiastic. That, and they were now thundering down the path towards him.

"You've met Princess Zelda?" they yelled in unison, "Tell us all about her!"

"…I'vegottogototheSacredForestMeadownow! Bye!" Link made a dash for the forest.

_______________________________________________________________________

Link ran into the woods like his life depended on it. Which, to some extent, it did. He would have liked to have put more distance between him and the Zelda fan-Kokiri, however, the random owl stopped him. No one was quite sure how. Since all the random owl did was speak to him.

"Hey, over here! Hoo hoo!" the random owl called out, "Good to see you again."

Link didn't skip a beat; "It's that stalker again!"

"I am not a stalker," the random owl crossed his wings, "And if you want to get through the forest to find Saria, you're going to need my help."

"HA! We don't need your help," Navi turned sharply towards Link, "Link, let's keep moving!"

Link knew better than to disobey Navi. He strode confidently ahead. When he came out, he blinked. He was exactly where he started. Shaking his head, he proceeded to another path. And again, he was back to where he started. The owl stared at him, snickering. Link tried a third time, and the path led somewhere else…but the next path he took, and he returned to the start. Link tried this several times, each time, the owl grew to look more and more smug. Link stood panting, having again failed. He glared up at the bird.

"Okay…" Link wheezed, "…fine… Tell us how…to get through the…woods to Saria…"

"I told you so…" The random owl smirked.

Navi sighed, "Link you're fired. You are a terrible means of transportation."

"Now listen to this," the random owl cleared his throat, "After going through the Lost Woods, you will come across the Sacred Forest Meadow. That is a sacred place where few people have ever walked."

The owl put his wing up to where his ear would be.

"Shhh… What's that?" the owl said.

"…But I can't hear anything…" Navi said.

"I can hear a mysterious tune," the owl started rocking back and forth to the beat, "It sounds like the highly popular music of someone banging on trashcan lids with wooden spoons and rubber chickens."

Link cupped his ear, "I love that sound…"

Navi turned sharply to Link, "A terrible means of transportation, and insane."

The bird turned to Navi, "…You should listen for that tune too…"

"Erm…" Navi paused, "I'll pass…"

"Hoo hoo hoo! Do you want to hear what I said again?" the owl asked.

Link was snapped out of his reverie, "Heck, no! It's a pain to listen to you once, not to mention a second time!"

"If you are courageous, you will make it through the forest just fine…" the random owl smiled.

"Now how does that work?" Link asked.

"…Just follow your ears and listen to the sounds coming from the forest!" the random owl continued.

Navi let out an irritated sigh.

"We don't have to since there are tire tracks leading all the way to the Forest Meadow," Navi retorted, "For someone who states the obvious, you certainly can't see the obvious."

Sure enough, there was a set of smoking tire tracks. They wove off through the forest and numerous skid marks could be seen. The tracks appeared fresh, and one could easily deduce that whomever made the tracks was either crazy or a terrible driver. Or both.

"Wow," Link gaped, "I didn't notice them before now…"

Navi raised her eyebrows.

The random owl broke the silence, "…Just remember."

Link looked at the owl, "Remember what?"

"Remember that the word 'rats' is the word 'star' backwards. Hoot hoot!" the random owl hooted.

The owl flew away.

Link turned to Navi, "Does that mean that we may look like stars, but we are actually srats?"

"Link, srats isn't a word," Navi said.

"But 'srats' is 'stars' spelt backwards," Link nodded, "Just because stars is the plural of star, doesn't mean it should be exempt from this rule."

Navi paused, "Wait… Now that I think about it, that bird never told us how to actually get to Saria…"

"That jerk!" Link yelled, shaking his fist in the direction where the random owl had flown.
_______________________________________________________________________

Link followed the trail the smoking tire tracks left behind in the forest. When he arrived at the Sacred Forest Meadow, there was a door barring the path. The tire tracks continued under the gate, and on ahead. Either the door had already been open when the driver passed through, or they had managed to find a way of opening the gate. Navi flew closer to the gate, looking around.

"There must be some means of opening this…" she muttered.

A gray wolf emerged from the ground. It charged towards Link.

"Awwwwww!" Link cooed.

The wolf stopped dead in its tracks, "Arf?"

The wolf sat down and tilted its head to the side. Link dashed toward it, his arms outstretched.

"Link…" Navi said slowly.

"It's so cute~! I'm going to name it Afatufivomany!" Link hugged Afatufivomany around the middle, "Don't you think that it's a lovely name?"

Afatufivomany started to gnaw on Link's leg.

"Uhhh… Link?" Navi gulped, "I think you're suppost to defeat it…"

Link turned his head sharply towards Navi, a reproachful glare on his face.

"But it's too cute for us to fight!" Link smiled at Afatufivomany, "I know! He can be our cute and lovable partner on our adventures!"

Link's statement was lost on Navi, as Afatufivomany had clamped his jaws shut over her.

"Mmmmmmmmm! Mmmm, mmmm mm!" Navi's muffled screams could be heard from Afatufivomany's muzzle.

(Translation note: 'Ahhhhhhhh! Link, help me!')

"What?" Link asked with his hand over his ear, "I didn't catch that."

Afatufivomany shook himself loose from Link's grasp. It turned and charged toward Link again. It leapt into the air, paws extended towards our hero's face. Link opened his arms, about to welcome the embrace.

"Afatufivomany!" Link declared, "Come to Papa!"

Afatufivomany accidentally stabbed himself on Link's sword and died.

"Nnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooo—!" Link fell to his knees in despair, "My poor Afatufivomany! It was too young to die!!"

Navi whizzed out of Afatufivomany's slack jaw, "Judging by its breath, I'd say it was at least 1 234 567 890 years old."

Link paused, "How can you calculate age by breath?"

"Oh, that's easy. We fairies can just tell how many rubber chickens it has gnawed on. Duh," Navi rolled her eyes, "He's gnawed on 1 234 567 890 123 456 789 012 345 678 901 234 567 890 rubber chickens. Don't you know that it means he would be at least 1 234 567 890 years old. At least."

"Really, Navi?" Link looked awed.

Navi blinked, "You're an idiot."

Link nodded in agreement, "That is so true. Wait…"

Navi zipped towards the doorway before Link could figure out what had been said to him. The gate opened upon her approach. Link whooped and ran up beside her, looking all around in glee. He and Navi had arrived at the edge of a maze. The walls were tall, and looked difficult to climb, and the exterior decorator needed to be fired.

Link looked down the corridor to the right, and the corridor to the left; "Which way do we go to solve the maze?"

"And last chapter you were saying that I was blind…" Navi slapped her forehead, "Can't you see the holes right in front of us? They're shaped like camper vans."

Navi indicated toward a series of crudely shaped holes that indeed looked like they had been made by a campervan. The smoking tire tracks continued through them.

"Oh…"

Link and Navi proceeded through them. Along the path, there were corpses of what appeared to be the remains of Deku Scrubs. Eventually the walls of the maze disappeared and the tire tracks careened up a set of stairs. More roadkill was found at the top of them, as the path narrowed to a trail through the trees.

"I think I smell burnt fairy," Link said.

The path opened up to a glade. Off to the left, a campervan was smashed up against a stone wall. Smoke poured out of the front of it, and there appeared to be a tall and narrow sign crushed between the wall and the van. The back of the van was open, and a small kitchen and a bed were visible. A kettle sat on the stovetop.

Higher up was a ruin of sorts, overgrown with vines. An entrance could be seen, but if there had been stairs, they had crumbled away. There was tall tree growing up beside the entrance. Below, a lone stump was embedded in the ground. A campfire had been set up. And seated on the stump was a green-haired girl, playing an ocarina. A green fairy flew in slow irregular circles around her head.

"Saria!" Link exclaimed as he ran over to her.

This begs the question, game-wise: if Saria gave you her Ocarina, how does she still have it?

"I've been waiting for you, Link!" Saria smiled, "This is the Sacred Forest Meadow."

"We already knew that…" Navi muttered, "We do live in these woods too, you know."

Link glared at Navi; Saria didn't seem to notice. Saria roasted marshmallows over the campfire. Miraculously, the fire didn't seem to have spread to the rest of the meadow, but there was a conspicuous bucket of water sitting beside her.

"This is my secret place," Saria smiled.

Saria's fairy began to drift towards the roasting marshmallow.

"Um…Saria?" Navi began.

"Navi, don't interrupt…" hissed Link out of the corner of his mouth.

Saria's fairy alighted on the marshmallow.

"But…"

Navi watched as the fairy got stuck in the white goo. It fluttered its wings, unable to free itself.

"I feel…this place will be very important for both of us some day," Saria continued, "That's what I feel."

"Link—!"

"Navi…"Link muttered, "Shut up!"

"But—!"

The fairy's wing burst into flame. Saria took her stick and dunked it in to bucket of water, fairy, marshmallows, and all. A loud fizzing was heard. Saria withdrew the stick from the water.

"That's got to be, like, the millionth time that he's done that in the past hour!" Saria exclaimed irritably, "You think he would have learned by now not to do that!"

Saria plucked the fairy off the marshmallow by the wing and held him up to Link and Navi. She smiled.

"See? Good as new!" she exclaimed, "Except for this little black, burnt spot on the tip of his wing. It simply won't come off. It's been there since, what, the 32nd time? But it's hardly noticeable, right?"

"Hi, Navi~!" the fairy waved.

"I wasted what must have been two seconds of my time trying to get it off. I've tried everything, Windex, bleach, toilet-cleaner fluids, acids, bases…" Saria sighed, "But no avail. He's just going to be a spotted little fellow by the end of this trip. You do remember Ivan, right Navi?"

Navi nodded, "I'd only forget with an I.Q. as low as his …"

"You know, Navi, 'Ivan' is 'Navi' spelled backwards…" Link pondered, "Why would the Deku Tree name you two like that?"

Navi sighed: "In case you didn't know, Link, the Great Deku Tree was short a few acorns, wasn't the sharpest needle on the pine, if you get my meaning."

"No, I don't," Link said.

"Anyway, he was a crazy old tree," Navi snapped, "Why else would he leave all his money to me, of all people?"

"I…I guess that makes sense…" Link paused, "Or doesn't…."

Saria allowed Ivan to take flight again.

"Moving on then…" Saria said, "If you play the Ocarina here, you can talk to the spirits in the forest. Would you like to play the Ocarina with me?"

Link shrugged, "Sure."

Navi groaned, "Link! This had better not become a habit!"

"Okay, try and follow along with the melody I will play. Are you ready?" Saria asked.

Link gave her a broad grin, "As ready as I'll ever be!"

"Alright!" she grinned.

Five Deku Scrubs appeared on the ledge of the entrance of some inaccessible place. What made them different from other Deku Scrubs were that their leaves were arranged in spiky yellow Mohawks, and each wore two eye patches—one on each eye. Before Link knew it, a large number of Deku scrubs flooded into the area from the trail he and Navi had taken to arrive here. Some appeared on the walls of the building, while some perched on Saria's campervan. The crowd was so thick that one of the Deku Scrubs standing beside the Saria caught fire and set fire to several more.

Navi looked at the distinctive Deku Scrubs, "Is that—?"

"Yep! It's that famous band: The Scrubs!" Saria shouted.

A cheer rang out from the surrounding Deku Scrubs.

Saria pulled out her ocarina, "HIT IT, BOYS!!!!!"

Out of the blue, five trashcan lids, five rubber chickens and five wooden spoons appeared before the band members. There was a clamor as the eye-patched Scrubs began searching around blindly to find their instruments. After they got it together, they began to beat the trashcan lids with their spoons and chickens. Saria stood up on the stump and put her ocarina to her lips. She began playing Saria's Song wildly to the background 'music'. The resulting tune had no melody, and pitched and squealed from one octave to the next. After they were finished, Saria and all the Deku Scrubs stared at Link expectantly.

Link clutched his Ocarina in his hand, "How the *[CENSOREDZ]* am I supposed to follow along with that!?"  

They all looked at him like he was some sort of idiot, and began muttering amongst themselves. Some murmured that he had no musical taste if he wasn't able to recognize the artistic arrangement of Saria's song.

"Fine!" Saria snapped, "If you can't understand this artistic arrangement, then it's over between us, Link!"

"Wait, what?" Navi said.

"This band that we were trying to form, it's just never going to work," Saria's eyes were filled with melodramatic tears.

"Can I at least learn the song…?" Link asked timidly.

"Fine, but only as a special favour to you," Saria said, "Don't get it in your head that you're a musician, okay?"

"Fine, I'll just have to become an artist, then!" Link declared.

"Just teach him the song," Navi sighed.

Saria played her song on the Ocarina. As Link repeated the melody, The Scrubs band began to wander away, muttering what a jerk Link was for not having good taste for new-aged music. When Link took the Ocarina away from his lips, he noticed that it sparkled brightly as if somebody had glued glitter on it.

Link raised his eyebrow, "Who glued glitter on my Ocarina?"

"I did!" giggled Ivan.

Ivan started spiraling toward the ground. "Weeee~" was distinctly heard before he face-planted. Link looked at his Ocarina again. DUH NUH NUH NUH NU NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH!! Link learned Saria's song! …Under rather awkward circumstances…

"Hee hee hee! Great! Great! Please don't forget this song! Do you promise?" Saria looked at Link intently.

"With a reception like that, I doubt anyone but Ivan could," Link pointed out.

Saria pretended not to hear, "When you want to hear my voice, play Saria's song. You can talk to me anytime…"

"'Kay! Bye!" Link smiled.

"Bye, Navi~!" Ivan waved with his face still planted in the dirt.

Navi sighed, "Bye, Ivan."

Link turned towards the path, "Now we can continue our adventure to work for Zelda!"

The ground began to shake. Link looked over his shoulder. Thundering down the path were all the Deku Scrubs from the concert. There were distinctly more of them than there had been Kokiri, and they were all charging toward him in a similar fashion.

"Link, you idiot!" Navi cried.

"Oh no…not again…" Link whimpered.

Link charged out of the Sacred Forest Meadow as fast as his little legs could carry him. He mowing Deku Scrubs down as he went, clinging to his hat. He ran into the maze, darting through the campervan-shaped holes, putting as much distance between him and the Deku as he could.  He only stopped when he ran into the Random Owl.

"Hoo Hoo! Did you learn the Ocarina Song from Saria? That melody seems to have some mysterious power. There may be other mysterious songs like this that you can learn in Hyrule," the Random Owl said.

Navi rolled her eyes, "If you call trashcan music powerfully mysterious…"

"Look! I don't have time to—" Link yelled.

"(Insert explanation on how to play the Ocarina) Do you want to hear what I said again?" the random owl smiled.

"NO!" Link yelled, "What I want to know is how you even know how to play an ocarina. You don't have any lips!"

"Or fingers," Navi added.

The Owl began to speak louder, "(Insert explanation about Ocarina songs on the Status Subscreen)"

"Shut up!" Link bellowed.

"Only if you give me Zelda's autograph!" the Random Owl demanded.

"NEVER!"

"Fine! Be that way!" the random owl ruffled his feathers and started to fly away, "…The nerve of youngsters these days…"

"I am being that way!" Link shouted after him.

Shortly after the owl left, the Zelda-obsessed Deku Scrubs caught up with him. He dashed off with the bulk of them on his tail. He managed to escape to the Kokiri village, only to be cornered by the Kokiri Zelda fans.
________________________________________________________________________________

Link zipped out of the village, into Hyrule Field.

"Phew, I'm glad that's over," Link wiped his forehead.

"Um, Link…?" Navi said.

"What…?"

Skeletons rose up from the ground.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Link groaned, "More Zelda fans? This is worse than an anime convention!"

"Right, Link, whatever," Navi said, "Focus."

"Navi, what exactly is an anime conventi—"

"Link, you don't exactly have the time to be talking right now!" Navi snapped.

Link shook his leg to dislodge a skeleton that was gnawing on it, "Why not?"

"Does can has Princess Zelda's autograph?" asked the skeleton.

"No, you not does can has," Link retorted.

"What?" Navi blinked.

With that, Link booted the skeleton away, and bolted off once more. Unaware of where he was, he dashed into a small settlement in the middle of the field just at daybreak.